MIKE PATTON | 31.03.2001 | Kerrang!
The People Vs Mike Patton
You accuse the ex-Faith No More front man of poor quality control, shitting in hair dryers and being responsible for rubbish rap-metal.
Charge: Faith No More were personally responsible for every single rubbish rap-rock and numetal band in existence today. - The Surreal thing
Mike: "Hey, blame their mothers, don't blame us. I whole-heartedly agree that every rap-rock band out there is rubbish, but I accept no responsibility for those morons. Whenever I hear these bands say that Faith No More made them what they are, I just shrug it off because if I were to stare too much into the mirror I would have committed suicide long ago. Maybe I should blame Anthony Kiedis, that'd be more fun."
Charge: It was unfair of you all ganging up on Jim Martin. Bet he could have had you all in a fight any day. - Big Sick Ugly Steve
Mike: "He probably would. I would not want to run into that guy in a dark alley. When people were asking us, 'Why did you kick Jim out?' we were pulling excuses out of our asses but when he made that solo album ('Milk And Blood') after leaving the band, we used to just say to people, 'Listen to that record and you'll understand'. Ouch."
Charge: Mike Bordin has gone on to play with Korn and Ozzy Osbourne - you must be jealous of his success. - Miss Penny Lane
Mike: "I'm not jealous of the fact that he played with those guys, but I'm jealous that he was on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' over here with his wife. I mean you can't scam that thing, you've got to answer questions even to get on to the show. That was very weird and I have to give it up for the guy - that was one of the more crass things I've seen him do. I heard he didn't do so well, but I used to live with the guy and he was always watching those trivia shows and he was scarily good at them. To hell with Korn and Ozzy, I thought that was
Charge: Shitting in hair dryers is nether big nor clever, especially for the person that has lo clean it up. - Chambermaids daughter
Mike: "Hey, I like these names more than the questions! Anyway, don't knock it until you've tried it. A million flies can't be wrong."
Charge: Over the years you've gone out of your way to piss off the hard Faith No More fans by making music that's plain unlistenable. - Claire Trembwell
Mike: "Awww... poor Claire. However, there's plenty of other bands that will play into her hands and placate her and tell her she's great and kiss her ass. That's what most bands do but some people have other things on their minds, and I'm one of them. When people came along for the ride with Faith No More it was wonderful and it made what we did even more worthwhile but I can't believe that people aren't more insulted than they are by having bands jerk them off. You go to shows and listen to the same f**king singers with the same cock complexes saying all this 'we love you' shit and I find that much more offensive."
Charge: If you weren't in Faith No More you wouldn't be allowed anywhere near a recording studio. - James Reid, Edinburgh
Mike: "Ha. ha. great. God only knows, that might be true, and I definitely feel like I fell into this whole thing by accident, so certainly I wouldn't have so many people paying attention to what I do. But I'd still be the same moron making strange noises in my basement."
Charge: You release a different record every month with no concept of quality control. - Jack Disneyland
Mike: "I don't think my output is quite that prolific and quality is a very subjective term. Maybe Jack Disneyland should exercise some quality control himself, because I suspect he's buying rubbish. I used to have irate Faith No More fans making this complaint all the time, but it's kinda tapered off in recent years. Some people make sense of what I'm doing but you'll never please everyone, especially when you try to push the envelope like I do."
Charge: Fantômas is the sound of four musicians wth too much time and money on their hands lust pissing about. - Anonymous
Mike: "I wish. A record like that takes so much time. People think we improvise that material on the spot but I'm not that good. If I could do that stuff off the top of my head I'd do it 24 hours a day. It's like building a castle out of matchsticks or playing chess, it's a pain in the ass although I enjoy it. A lot of people hear it as total garbage, and know it's not going to appeal to people who like rock songs with lyrics, but if you're ready for it it might make sense. If not, stay away. Haven't you f**kers learned by now?"
Charge: None of the former members of Faith No More have done anything that comes close to the band, so why not Just reform and be done with it? - Steve Marks, Etham
Mike: "Wow. I can't guarantee that Faith No More would never reform, but I won't be singing with them if they do. We'd said all that we had to say and to keep the band going would have been chicken shit. If you go back on your words and try to relive the past you will get what you deserve and bad things will come your way, I honestly believe that. But probably most of the other guys in the band would reform, so as Steve sounds like he's got a fine young attitude maybe he could front the band instead of me."
Charge: You always seemed to hate the fact that you were famous but you could always have gone back to flipping burgers. - The Burger Queen
Mike: "I wish I could flip burgers because it'd be something to fall back on when the music dries up, but sadly I never had such a prestigious job. The 'famous' thing comes and goes and you learn to take it with a grain of salt. Fame is a joke. It's an absolute crap shoot. I mean I was most famous when I was making my worst music. I had absolutely no perspective on fame when 'The Real Thing' took off, I was just goofing around with a new band, I had my head in my ass and I didn't know what was going on. It was bizarre but if you can't laugh at it is there any meaning to life? I appreciated it for what it was, a total out-of-control nauseous carnival ride."
Guilty as charged, with the accused displaying not the slightest hint ot remorse far his actions. Mr Patton's message for disappointed Faith No More fans is short and to the point: get over it.